National Coming Out Day has been observed on Oct. 11 since 1988, but my first was more than 50 years ago --- even though I wasn't aware of it at the time. While serving in Vietnam, I was inadvertently outed to my parents as the result of a relationship at university that had been cut short by the draft.
The folks didn't share that outing information with me until I returned home to Iowa months later, and by then it made no difference --- if it ever had.
A quarter century or more later, when it seemed unlikely I'd lose my job because of sexual orientation, the conversation arrived at the office.
What they sometimes don't tell you, if you're LGBTQ+, is that the coming out process just goes on and on. Meet someone new, personally or professionally, and the conversation even now quite naturally turns to family: "So tell me about the grandkids."
"Well, actually ...."
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So as a long-time participant in and observer of the coming out process, several things are clear. Most obviously --- nearly every queer kid is as terrified now as my generation was then that his or her parents will reject rather than affirm.
Even the most potentially supportive parents tend to inquire, "Are you sure?"
If a kid (of any age) weren't sure, he or she wouldn't have brought the subject up.
And many parents --- including sometimes those who fancy themselves affirming, have anger issues. "How dare that kid defy my expectations and assumptions?"
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The illustration here offers some useful advice for everyone involved in the coming out process.
First, the process belongs to the person coming out. He or she must decide if it's safe and then work out the timing. There's no shame in caution.
Second, if someone comes out to you --- that's a remarkable gift. Behave accordingly.
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