Thursday, December 29, 2011

Children of the corn

The next Tammy Faye Bakker?

It’s getting nuttier and nuttier around here as the GOP’s Iowa Caucus traveling freak show closes in on Jan. 3. And kind of bloody, too.

Old Kent Sorenson (left) led Michele Bachmann into that clearing in the cornfield yesterday, but spared her the barbed wire, the corn husks and the cross --- merely endorsed Ron Paul instead.

Sorenson, state senator (as of 2010) and pointy-headed lump from Indianola, had been until earlier in the day Bachmann’s state chairman. After campaigning with her in Indianola Wednesday, he drove off to defect --- reportedly after assuring Bachmann that he planned to stick with her.

The more I see of Bachmann, the more I like her --- although totally unsuited to govern, not well educated and woefully misguided, she does seem to be sincere and consistent.

I can see Bachmann emerging from this as a gay icon of the Tammy Faye Bakker Messner genre. Lord knows, us faggots have traditionally loved a good underdog; and lord knows, Bachmann is one of those. And we don’t mind if she doesn’t have a penis, the big sticking point among her Christian “friends.” But can she sing and dance?

The question now, of course, is who is He Who Walks Behind the Rows, if you’ll pardon the Stephen King analogy (short story, 1977 ; various film adaptations commencing in 1983)?

Certainly not Rick Perry, who is kind of pretty but whose intelligence level is in the corncob range; nor Rick Santorum, obsessed with gay sex but having none of the fun that entails; nor Newt Gingrich, among the saddest of morally bankrupt and incompetent has-beens ever to hit the campaign trail.

That leaves Ron Paul, but that guy’s a loon, nuttier than my Walmart fruit cake and would be certified as such if he’d ever submit to examination. And so are most of his followers, including (now) Kent Sorenson. These are the folks who believe Jesus was dropped off near Bethlehem by a flying saucer and shape-shifted into the form of an infant.

That leaves the inevitable Mitt Romney. Of course. Look into those eyes, listen to him speak. There’s nothing inside that pretty head of his other than a “vacancy” sign --- plenty of space waiting for that giant red-eyed monster to emerge from amongst the rows of corn and move in.

It’s been a wonderful caucus season --- if you enjoy watching Republicans demonstrate day after day how morally, politically, socially and spiritually bankrupt they are or Christians turning faith into farce. I’m gonna miss it.

1 comment:

Tim Kenyon said...

"Pointy-headed lump" - that gave me a good laugh.